This is from an email I received from a close friend, mentor and elder in my church. His name is Guy. For him I am grateful that the Lord sent him into my life. God has used him to help me in so many ways. I am so grateful. He sent this to me as an email and gave me permission to send to others. There are many people struggling and many marriages on the rocks. My hope is this will shed some light and give some hope on something that is hardly ever talked about and grossly misused.

Here’s Guy’s email: (I’m most certain it will infuriate some and encourage others)

This is a continuing dialog with Tony – a friend from Australia who is in a battle with his wife. You will get the gist of their dysfunction. But I thought you might like to read some of the thoughts I have shared with him.

Tony
Glad to hear from you. Thank you for your sacrifice (trying to make to the 16th) and good wishes. 66??? Yikes – I just filed for social security. The government is going to start giving me back my money.
I hope you hit them straight. I tee off at 1PM (4/15/11) this afternoon.

I have certainly enjoyed our friendship through the years. You have been a faithful friend and I always enjoy our time together.

Since you mentioned Bev and your marriage, let me say, there is NO RIGHT way to do a wrong thing. I remember hearing years ago that our Christian walk is NOT about our happiness, it is about our obedience.

Repentance and forgiveness are integral to our relationship with Christ. I have seen (we have one now in our church) “Christians” paying lip service to their love for Christ, their commitment to the word, their desire to be pure, etc. etc. only to then turn around and do the exact opposite because it made them happy. Happiness is not a Biblical right.

I know you and Bev have issues. I don’t know if there ever was a real basis for a “marriage” between you. I am guessing there was or you would not have gotten married. I have to assume you did this prayerfully and with a desire for God to bless you marriage. But now, when the rubber hits the road, is the time when your commitment and love for Christ comes to the surface. It is easy to fall in love. The hard part is staying in love.

I have NEVER hidden the 27 years of misery and unhappiness I experienced with Colleen in our marriage. I have spoken about it often to others. There were many times when I wanted to bolt and go find some “honey” that would love me the way I wanted to be loved. But God NEVER let me do that. Divorce was not an option. (As Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s wife  has said, “Murder yes, but not divorce.”)

Only because of my commitment to Christ, did I stay. Colleen will tell you the same thing. She openly admits she prayed to the Lord, that He would take me home when I was on trips so she could be done me and with our marriage. Spare the innocent ones she said, but take him out.

That does NOT offend me in the least. I understand her pain and hatred of me during those awful days. It was a struggle. We argued over the color of salt. I would say white, she would say gray. Or vice versa. It did not matter. She will admit she taunted me and goaded me into arguments just to be engaged in conversation with me. I found it far easier to escape into MDRT, work, community service than to be home and put up with the incessant cries of pain would say to me.

Just yesterday, we went back into the past, over whether the trash cans were in the right place on the street for the trash truck. I felt I was entangled in spaghetti. I could hardly wait to get out of there. But it only lasts a short time now and usually when she is hyper stressed (we are having a Church party this weekend) or I am feeling deprived and angry.

All to say, I know, have experienced what you are going through and how you have lived your life. There is not much in your relationship with Bev that I have not gone through as well. I understand both sides of your equation. All I can tell you is, I am blessed I obeyed God. I am blessed I did not run away from Colleen. I am blessed we are going to celebrate (truly celebrate) 44 years of marriage – after having been so unhappy for so long.

You will regret any decisions you make that are NOT consistent with scripture. You are TOO knowledgeable and accountable to the church, the study group and to your Christian friends to be able to violate scripture and feel no remorse, no conviction, no guilt, no shame. This is how God grows us and holds us accountable, by putting strong believers in our life who will not let go.

You are going to do what you are going to do. But I think, if you really look back at your life with Bev, and your contribution to the problem, you will see where you have not glorified Christ in all your choices. And had you glorified Him, your situation would be different. (I am not specific here because I do not know any details – you do. This is a generalization – not an indictment at all. ok?)

Unhappiness in marriage is NEVER about the other person. It is ALWAYS, 100% about you and your relationship with Christ. I could blame Colleen all I want. But in the end, there were always reasons. There were always excuses. There were always issues where I had contributed to the grief, anguish and suffering. It was never simple. It was never Colleen was a bad person. I always had a role in it. It takes two to make a marriage. And two to destroy it. The heart of any marital dysfunction is almost certainly selfishness and hypocrisy.

I remember the first time I really met Bev, in Las Vegas. You were railing on her because she would NOT submit to you. As I sat with her, I heard her point of view. She was never against Biblical submission. She understood her calling as a Biblical wife. She was against you using it to control her, to make her do things she was not prepared to do. If you go back and read scripture – you will NOT find one word in scripture that gives you the right to control your wife. That is NOT Biblical submission. The Bible says to LOVE her as Christ loved the church and to guide your wife in a godly direction.

How did Christ love the church? He was unselfish, sacrificing (He died for her on the cross). He was patient (never condemning or critical of her. He only taught through parables the need to change). He was loving (Let me wash your feet, Peter). He served the church. They said of Him, no one ever taught with more authority or wisdom. Have you loved Bev like Christ loved the church? Have you given of yourself to her. Have you set aside your own needs and desires to support her, to be with her, to help her? This was a standard where I fell woefully short and still do today. I am selfish and self centered. I love my golf, my free time. I am not always present, when I am in the home. I have invested a lot of time in things that will perish. But I am working on changing my emphasis.

Submission is between Bev and God. Not Bev and Tony. You are just an intermediary. You are in between her and God. But submission is NOT a right you are accorded simply because you are her husband. It is a right you are accorded because you were given authority in the home by God. But you are to wield it in a godly way. You don’t deserve it. You are not entitled to it. You cannot demand it. Submission is a gift Bev gives you because she loves God. If she cannot do it, it is only because she can NOT see God in you. Can she see God in you Tony. Are you reflecting God to her?

When she sees you, does she see God’s love for her? Does she feel the warmth and passion God has for His children emanating through you? If you are totally, completely honest, what is your answer?

This is where it all starts. Happiness is NOT the issue. Godliness is the issue. I pray Tony, that today could be the beginning of a new attitude and relationship with Bev. Whether it leads to reconciliation, I don’t know. Only God knows. But I do know you will one day be held accountable for how you treated her. The Bible says that one day, God is going to call you into account. He is going to judge you for how you lived your Christian life and what you did with your gifts,  for the thoughts you have had about her. The way you have spoken to her. How you have served her. And your eternal relationship with God is going to be impacted by this assessment.

Fortunately, it is NOT too late to rewrite your report. To change what He will say to you. Repentance is a gift God gives each of us. Our sins can be as far as the east is from the west. But it starts with repentance. The willing act of asking forgiveness and CHANGING our path. This is NO SMALL matter. It is entwined in your eternal destiny. Forgiveness is NOT you being forgiven for your transgressions. Forgiveness is God remembering no more your sins, if you repent. Repentance is the key. Changing the way you are doing things. Having a sincere, remorse and contrition for sins and errors. Have you repented? Are you different with Bev now?

I pray for you Tony. I pray for you. Love you much. If I didn’t I would not be writing this.